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From: Adams Solicitors written by Rachel Lyndon

Parental Alienation is “the putting down and belittling of one parent by the other”, and is usually carried out when warring couples wish to retain or gain residence of their children following a divorce or separation.

Parental alienation will often be carried out by the resident parent, who will disparage the absent parent and put them down in front of the children, thereby planting a seed of distrust and misgiving to be placed into a child’s mind.

The whole practice of parental alienation can be as simple as the resident parent having a hatred of the absent parent, and using the children as weapons against the absent parent.  It can also be a fear of losing control; some say the resident parent views the children as “possessions” rather than human beings.

With no limit or restriction on access, the resident parent can take any opportunity to continue with parental alienation, and it is also an effective tool in contact applications.  The Children Act 1989 has meant that the Courts will take into consideration ‘the child’s wishes and feelings’.  Whilst this is a well-deserved recognition of children’s capacity, this has enabled resident parents to use the line “the child doesn’t wish to see you this weekend” with no fallout and no comeback from the Courts.

Those parents that carry out parental alienation do it, more often than not, to show that they are “in control”.  This manifests in various forms, ranging from humiliating the absent parent to ignoring them.  As a parent you are unlikely to walk away from a humiliating situation because you love your children – and the resident parent knows this.

Alienating the children from a parent will usually be an extension of the ongoing hostilities arising from the divorce/separation, taking the form of:

• arguing
• the silent treatment
• restricted communications
• withdrawal of communications
• hostile action

Some examples of parental alienation carried out by the resident parent are:

1. Insisting upon the time stipulated with no room for manoeuvre.  If plans are changed, the absent parent will be made to suffer.
2. The absent parent must detail exactly where they are going, for how long and under what conditions.  The absent parent will not be advised of any activity carried out with the resident parent.
3. Changes will be made to contact arrangements but not notified until the last moment – if there are any complaints, the contact time is lost.
4. Deliberately offering the children “fun activities” on the absent parent’s contact days, this makes the absent parent look “mean” if they do not allow the children to do these activities.
5. Lack of information concerning the health, education and general wellbeing of the children.
6. Telling the children that they are not allowed more time with the absent parent than the Court states, when in fact any Order simply states the minimum contact time.
7. Instead of doing homework when it is handed out, it is left until the last minute – leaving contact time with the absent parent as homework time.
8. A constant reminder of your parental shortcomings, whether actual or perceived, in front of the children – any response is seen as aggression in front of the children.

This sort of behaviour can leave the absent parent feeling shell shocked and doubting their own self worth.  It can also have them tiptoeing around on eggshells for fear of causing more upset to the children.  Having some sort of a plan is important, but the vital thing to do is to maintain regular contact with the children, whatever the circumstances. If necessary, they should ensure that a defined contact order is applied for through the Courts under the Children Act 1989.

The resident parent in this situation can and will look for any possible means of undermining the other parent’s position.  They do this safe in the knowledge that, if the absent parent responds antagonistically in any way, contact may be stopped and the response used against them.